Uhhhhhhhhh…

 We’ve made it to the end of a stormy week, both literally and figuratively. It’s cold out today, but flowers are beginning to bloom and the sun is more golden each day, so Spring is slowly waking up. 

I slept like crap last night. This is my new normal. Once in a while I take valerian root, or if I’m very desperate,  Zzzquil, which I took last night because I needed to be up early today and wanted more than 2-3 hours of sleep. As I often do, I try to get to sleep on my own, but around 12:30 I knew I was going to still be flailing in bed at 3AM and took a shot of the purple fire liquid and was halfway human this morning.

I took my car in for an oil change and it was so fancy, they text you a video feed of them WHILE THEY’RE WORKING ON YOUR CAR. The mechanic showed me my ‘beautiful brakes’ and the ‘engine looking so good!’ It made me feel like a very good car mom. My car is healthy and beautiful! 

The stress I spoke of yesterday, there are some possible resolutions coming down the pike. If all goes the way I think it will, there will still be some major (very major, very big) changes coming up but they will be good changes. I don’t mean to sound mysterious or vague, but I don’t want to share details until my husband and I have more information and have made some decisions together. 

This stress volcano has shown me some things in regard to my healing. 

1. It is not a straight line, more like a wibbly wobbly multi-dimensional roller coaster ride, but that’s OK!

2. I HAVE grown in some areas and going through some high-stress situations shows me how I am doing better at handling things.

I am getting better at releasing my attachment to outcomes, and when I release that stranglehold, it feels like God sees me trying my best and the burden eases a bit, sometimes it eases a lot! I'm telling you, releasing attachment is a BIG TRUTH. And if you can really grab hold of it (hee-hee) things tend to flow much easier.

3. I am still on this path and have a lot more to learn. And that makes me happy! I want to always be learning and growing! 

Example: This week has had me in a very overly emotional headspace. There is nothing wrong with feeling emotions. But this week showed me that I am growing in the area of emotional regulation. Am I perfect at it? Hell no. But I am making progress. This week, I have had (and honestly, I still am having) some BIG FEELINGS. I have cried more than once (more than five times), and I have had a few moments of plain old-fashioned self-pity. I’ll admit that. BUT I have sat with my emotions and been open to the messages they’re bringing me. I have regulated my breath and moved my body to self-soothe, and calm my nervous system. I only came close to a panic attack ONCE. A year ago, this same type of week would have had me reaching for the Xanax. (There’s nothing wrong with using medication if you need it. But I am saying I only use it when I need to, and this week, I didn’t get to that point.) 

Also, in the middle of this week, I had lunch with my friend (I wrote about it) and I learned some new things about the healing work I do, and the extent to which I do it, and it was a revelation that made me very glad. I allowed myself moments of joy this week, even in the midst of a lot of anxiety. I didn't let myself wallow in the low space too long. I would have my moments, then move on. 

I am not a perfect person. I am the first to admit that. But I am also willing to be open about my growth without being weird about it. We should all talk about our wins as well as our losses. Both are equally important. 

So, I hope you have some great wins this week. And if you are in the shadows at the moment, it's OK to FEEL it. And it won't last forever.

Bye.


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